30 August 2005

Dear Auntie Jums

I was watching the chicken bits on the barbecue, you know, they were going golden brown, then started burning. Sure, barbecued chicken is supposed to be black crunchy and crispy. Well, i think i may be a pyro maniac or a knifomaniac because i enjoyed cutting up the chicken a bit too much, then...ummmm spent the next jour and a half watching the weeds in my back garden burn, after i accidently dropped burning paper onto them. Do i need mental help?

thank you for your cocern (too formal?) you don't know how much i value your friendship. its just once in a while bad thoughts run through my head and i can't help but entertain them. I'm not suicidal, by far, not a lost cause, its just there are soo many issues i have to deal with and i feel as if no one else would understand if i tried to talk to them about it. certainly not my family, i know it seems sad, i should give them a chance, but... i just can't. subconciously i feel distrustful and betrayed by them, thats actually another story all together. see when i was five i had a traumatising encounter, not as gruesome as it sounds but, bad enough.
i thought i was over it, but then its just another stone to toss at my family, and i don't mean my parents all the time, they just don't help, lack of communication does that to you. i feel guilty afterwards though, they're my parents they love me but they treat me like i'm still five and will never grow up, ever, its cute but its suffocating, i want out, and they are just making me more anxious. My mum, grew up without her mother or father, she was raised by her aunt, she lived on a farm worked from dawn till dusk and the only friend she had was her sister. i can understand where she is coming from but i'm not her, i will never be her because i'm my own person and she has trouble coming to terms with the fact that i'm eventually going to leave her.
She thinks that as soon as i have my chance i'll just tale off and never come back. Maybe, i know that sounds cruel, but i WILL leave. Ahe's my mother how can i abandon her.
sometimes i really wish she would talk to me, it's taken me years to figure out whats going on in her mind and whilst i've be doing that i've distanced my self.
No offense to anyone of my friends, its just recently i've come to accept casually touching, you know hugging. i find it soooooo easy to distance my self from everyone else, i'm stiff and collected. and apparently very good at acting. i can make people think i'm happy when most of the time, i know i'm not. But for now, everything is okay.
love yuz

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